I am guiltily looking at the ground as I write this.
When I don't blog for a long time, it means one of two things. (A) I am extremely busy with work. (B) I am struggling, and my effort to be honest in the ups and downs of life is miserably failing.
I'll take "B" for 200, Alex.
My life has completely changed in the past three weeks. If you want to know the professional, grown up version of the story with a happy ending, check here. If you want to know the version with kicking and screaming and crying, keep reading.
Well, I wrapped up bowl season and had a BLAST! I am so incredibly blessed to have been a part of the Fiesta Bowl this season. I had the time of my life. I think my next post will be complete with pictures and stories on all the gameday craziness. But back to my major life changes.
When I say big changes, I'm talking, twelve days from job offer, to first day on the job. My last day with the Fiesta Bowl was January 28th, my first day with the Houston Rockets and Toyota Center was February 1st. And a two day drive across two thousand miles was squeezed in between. Twelve days full of tears, a host of goodbye dinners, packing everything I own into space bags so it would fit into the back of a Toyota Yaris, and did I mention the crying...a lot of crying.
As good as the job opportunity sounded on paper, I was sick to my stomach with the offer. Is this really what I want to do? Do I really want to move back to where I came from? I moved out to a new state the day after my graduation, and six months later, I have made an entire life for myself there. How could I just walk away from it? Especially to go right back where I came from? I felt like I was digressing in my progress in life. That sounds stupid, I know. But I didn't want to go back and do the same things. I would get restless. I wouldn't be happy. I would fall into the Texas pattern of feeling like I had to marry young. I would settle. I wanted adventure, not home. I prayed so hard for an incredible move in my career like this, so why do I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it? My Fiesta Bowl boss sat down and talked to me about my options, and encouraged me to make a full on pro/con list. So I did. Ultimately, it came down to several things. Opportunities to work with pro teams don't come along very often, if at all in your career in sports. Also, this is what I prayed for. This is what God gave me. I can't turn down a direct answer to a prayer, can I? After much prayer and advice, I accepted the job.
Then I cried more. And I got angry. I was angry with myself, and I was angry with God. I tried really hard to be excited when I talked about it. I was so blessed with an opportunity to work for the Rockets, but I couldn't stop being upset about leaving my life in Arizona. I didn't even feel that way when I left Texas. I felt so selfish. I buried it all inside, because I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I was the first one of my intern clan with a permanent position lined up. I didn't want to sound bratty or ungrateful when they were still diligently searching for full time jobs. I couldn't talk to my best friends about it, because they were so excited I was coming home. I couldn't talk to my family about it for the same reason. So, I "excitedly" talked to friends and family about my next move, then cried my eyes out while I packed my things.
We had a goodbye dinner before my last Bible Study on Wednesday night. I did my best to keep my happy smile. The problem is, Bible Study's have a way of making you be honest. Towards the end of the night, Kathy asked me what can the girls be specifically praying for about the move. Cue tears coupled with an honest answer. Then, fifteen lovely ladies surrounded me and took turns praying for me and my next step in life. I had only lived there for six months, and I was surrounded my amazing Christian women that loved me. God is good, and I am blessed. One girl came up to me after and told me she knew exactly how I was feeling. She just moved back to Phoenix after being gone for ten years, and didn't really want to go back either. She encouraged me to realize that things didn't have to be the same when I moved back. I could be a part of new things, find a new church, meet new people, live in a different area. She told me not to be discouraged, that if she hadn't branched out, she never would have found Kathy's Bible Study. As beautiful as that night was, it also reminded me that those girls were another thing I was walking away from.
I needed my person. The friend who knows all my hopes, dreams, and fears. The friend who calls me out and tells me when I'm being stubborn. The friend who tells me I don't have to be strong all the time. The friend who has seen me and my worst as well as my best, and loves me just the same. The friend that cries when she sees me hurting. By the grace of God, she was the one flying out to Arizona to make the long drive to Houston with me.
I loved having her in Arizona. We had so much fun. She met my friends and saw my condo. She saw my life, and understood why I didn't want to leave. We spent day one of the drive jamming to Taylor Swift and Bruno Mars and talking about all the new things going on in her life. I avoided talking about my "deep darks" the entire drive. But she knows me better than that. In our hotel room in the west Texas town of Fort Stockton, I told her everything I was feeling, everything I was scared of (things that I'm not going to get into here). Yes, I cried more. My sweet friend crawled in my bed with me and listened until I got it all out. Then she did what she does best, calmed me down. She told me that she knew God had a big plan for me in Houston. He wouldn't bring me back from a life He knew I loved so much without a purpose. That is was okay to feel the way I felt, and I shouldn't feel dumb or selfish, because it's completely understandable. She said she knew it was going to be hard for me to go back, but that it wouldn't break my spirit, though it might feel like it's getting close sometimes, but in those moments to remember that God wants me there to make a difference in peoples lives. That I was there not only to help others, but that God was going to teach me things I didn't even know I needed to learn. And it would be good. I'd just have to wait and see.
What I would do without her, I really don't know.
I felt so much better knowing my Bible Study girls, and my person knew exactly how to pray for me. Day two of the drive was much more fun without me holding everything inside. We jammed to Bruno Mars some more (we are kind of obsessed), made up a dance to Runaway Baby, listened to all the songs that remind us of all of our different phases in college, and thoroughly enjoyed the long stretches of nothing in west Texas while driving entirely faster than we should have driven. We were driving to a new place in my life, that God only knows what the road holds for me. Stay to tuned and we can find out together.
When I don't blog for a long time, it means one of two things. (A) I am extremely busy with work. (B) I am struggling, and my effort to be honest in the ups and downs of life is miserably failing.
I'll take "B" for 200, Alex.
My life has completely changed in the past three weeks. If you want to know the professional, grown up version of the story with a happy ending, check here. If you want to know the version with kicking and screaming and crying, keep reading.
Well, I wrapped up bowl season and had a BLAST! I am so incredibly blessed to have been a part of the Fiesta Bowl this season. I had the time of my life. I think my next post will be complete with pictures and stories on all the gameday craziness. But back to my major life changes.
When I say big changes, I'm talking, twelve days from job offer, to first day on the job. My last day with the Fiesta Bowl was January 28th, my first day with the Houston Rockets and Toyota Center was February 1st. And a two day drive across two thousand miles was squeezed in between. Twelve days full of tears, a host of goodbye dinners, packing everything I own into space bags so it would fit into the back of a Toyota Yaris, and did I mention the crying...a lot of crying.
As good as the job opportunity sounded on paper, I was sick to my stomach with the offer. Is this really what I want to do? Do I really want to move back to where I came from? I moved out to a new state the day after my graduation, and six months later, I have made an entire life for myself there. How could I just walk away from it? Especially to go right back where I came from? I felt like I was digressing in my progress in life. That sounds stupid, I know. But I didn't want to go back and do the same things. I would get restless. I wouldn't be happy. I would fall into the Texas pattern of feeling like I had to marry young. I would settle. I wanted adventure, not home. I prayed so hard for an incredible move in my career like this, so why do I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it? My Fiesta Bowl boss sat down and talked to me about my options, and encouraged me to make a full on pro/con list. So I did. Ultimately, it came down to several things. Opportunities to work with pro teams don't come along very often, if at all in your career in sports. Also, this is what I prayed for. This is what God gave me. I can't turn down a direct answer to a prayer, can I? After much prayer and advice, I accepted the job.
Then I cried more. And I got angry. I was angry with myself, and I was angry with God. I tried really hard to be excited when I talked about it. I was so blessed with an opportunity to work for the Rockets, but I couldn't stop being upset about leaving my life in Arizona. I didn't even feel that way when I left Texas. I felt so selfish. I buried it all inside, because I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I was the first one of my intern clan with a permanent position lined up. I didn't want to sound bratty or ungrateful when they were still diligently searching for full time jobs. I couldn't talk to my best friends about it, because they were so excited I was coming home. I couldn't talk to my family about it for the same reason. So, I "excitedly" talked to friends and family about my next move, then cried my eyes out while I packed my things.
We had a goodbye dinner before my last Bible Study on Wednesday night. I did my best to keep my happy smile. The problem is, Bible Study's have a way of making you be honest. Towards the end of the night, Kathy asked me what can the girls be specifically praying for about the move. Cue tears coupled with an honest answer. Then, fifteen lovely ladies surrounded me and took turns praying for me and my next step in life. I had only lived there for six months, and I was surrounded my amazing Christian women that loved me. God is good, and I am blessed. One girl came up to me after and told me she knew exactly how I was feeling. She just moved back to Phoenix after being gone for ten years, and didn't really want to go back either. She encouraged me to realize that things didn't have to be the same when I moved back. I could be a part of new things, find a new church, meet new people, live in a different area. She told me not to be discouraged, that if she hadn't branched out, she never would have found Kathy's Bible Study. As beautiful as that night was, it also reminded me that those girls were another thing I was walking away from.
I needed my person. The friend who knows all my hopes, dreams, and fears. The friend who calls me out and tells me when I'm being stubborn. The friend who tells me I don't have to be strong all the time. The friend who has seen me and my worst as well as my best, and loves me just the same. The friend that cries when she sees me hurting. By the grace of God, she was the one flying out to Arizona to make the long drive to Houston with me.
I loved having her in Arizona. We had so much fun. She met my friends and saw my condo. She saw my life, and understood why I didn't want to leave. We spent day one of the drive jamming to Taylor Swift and Bruno Mars and talking about all the new things going on in her life. I avoided talking about my "deep darks" the entire drive. But she knows me better than that. In our hotel room in the west Texas town of Fort Stockton, I told her everything I was feeling, everything I was scared of (things that I'm not going to get into here). Yes, I cried more. My sweet friend crawled in my bed with me and listened until I got it all out. Then she did what she does best, calmed me down. She told me that she knew God had a big plan for me in Houston. He wouldn't bring me back from a life He knew I loved so much without a purpose. That is was okay to feel the way I felt, and I shouldn't feel dumb or selfish, because it's completely understandable. She said she knew it was going to be hard for me to go back, but that it wouldn't break my spirit, though it might feel like it's getting close sometimes, but in those moments to remember that God wants me there to make a difference in peoples lives. That I was there not only to help others, but that God was going to teach me things I didn't even know I needed to learn. And it would be good. I'd just have to wait and see.
What I would do without her, I really don't know.
I felt so much better knowing my Bible Study girls, and my person knew exactly how to pray for me. Day two of the drive was much more fun without me holding everything inside. We jammed to Bruno Mars some more (we are kind of obsessed), made up a dance to Runaway Baby, listened to all the songs that remind us of all of our different phases in college, and thoroughly enjoyed the long stretches of nothing in west Texas while driving entirely faster than we should have driven. We were driving to a new place in my life, that God only knows what the road holds for me. Stay to tuned and we can find out together.
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| You can count on me like one, two, three I'll be there and I know when I need it I can count on you like four, three, two And you'll be there 'cause that's what friends Are supposed to do, oh yeah, ooh, ooh |
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