I'm a pretty honest person.
When I was in elementary school, the teachers at my private school picked a character trait that they thought described each child in their class each year. It was a trait they saw in the child, and they gave our parents a certificate with our name and our chosen character trait. I have four character trait certificates. Three years I received "Honesty." The fourth year I mixed it up a little: "Truthfulness."
That being said, I need to be honest for a minute. I think I have a problem with honesty. I know! I was surprised, too, when I realized it. But it's not what you think. So before you start trying to figure out what lies I may have told you, let me explain.
You know how you can look back and realize something that happened to you would teach you a lesson one day? There are several moments in my life that helped come to the realization that my elementary school certificates might be invalid...
Texas, Fall 2008
It was my first semester as a member in the Christian sorority I had pledged the previous semester. My semester as a pledge, was okay, but I wasn't sure I was connecting enough and liking it enough to stay for the Fall '08 semester. I hadn't really made friends, yet. Oh, don't worry, I wasn't sitting by myself at meetings and date parties. I had people I could chat it up with and have a few laughs. But something was missing. These were Christian girls and I had joined because I was looking for something. I think I was looking for community. But that's another story for another day. One of the member requirements is being in a small group Bible study of 10-12 girls that meet once a week, called Wil Groups. I never really felt a part of my Spring semester Wil Group, seeing as how I joined mid-year. And the new school year, meant new Wil Group assignments. I was ready to quit altogether, but I decided I'd go to my first Wil Group and feel it out. Simply put, if I liked my group, I stay in ASC for the year. If not, I'd go inactive.
Well, I missed the first week because I had something else going one, so the second week I show up. Everyone seems nice. They chatted politely and waited for the faithful leader to begin. Her name was Raquel and she was a year younger than me. She began by telling us that she really wanted honesty in the group, and that she thought the best way for us to get to know each other would be to share our testimonies. "Now, I know this seems awkward, telling your life story to a roomful of strangers.." umm yea, Raquel, it does..."But we are the Body of Christ and we are here to love and support each other." Why why why couldn't I have come to the first one and realized I didn't want to come back. It's too late to run, now. Panic shot through my entire body. I didn't want to share that I watched my own sister die when she was just 12 years old. My hurt is my business. It was hard enough living through it the first time, why do I need to talk about it? One by one the girls began to tell their stories. We laughed, we cried. I panicked. I thought about having to share, and fought the tears filling my eyes as I tried to focus on what each girl had to say. I scanned the room. About 15 girls. That's a lot of girls sharing. We don't know each other yet. Maybe the won't notice if I don't share? One by one girls volunteered to go next. Every five minutes or so I would have to take deep breaths to stop myself from crying. Why am I here. This was a dumb idea. Sorority's are for parties to meet hot frat boys. Who would want to be in a Christian sorority anyway? Dumb dumb dumb. Don't cry. The second to last girl was talking and I got myself under control. They won't remember I haven't talked! Everything is going to be fine! Why is everyone staring at me? Crap. It was my turn to share my story of the different paths in my life, and walking them with the Lord. All eyes were on me. And I was honest. "I was hoping that y'all would forget I haven't gone. I don't really like talking about certain things..." So I shared. And I cried. Before I could feel at all silly for crying, I looked up and saw a room full of girls I had just met crying with me. I looked into one girl's eyes, and saw hurt in her eyes. My hurt that she was holding in that moment. I shared, and it was beautiful. Maybe I'll come back next week...
Wednesday evenings soon became my favorite night. Those girls became some of my best friends. We had so much fun together. We also learned to much together. I genuinely can't imagine my life without them.
Costa Rica, Summer 2009
I spent the summer of '09 interning with a church in Costa Rica. My partner in crime was none other than my Wil Group leader, Raquel. It was an incredible summer filled with serving, surfing, Bible studies, coffee, lessons learned, road trips, and screaming monkeys in my backyard- among other many other things. I made some incredible friends there. Without a doubt, Alex was one of our closet friends. The three of us were besties and there was never a dull moment. Whether cracking a joke or sharing what God had done in his life that day, Alex always had something to say. One afternoon we were hanging out at Alex’s apartment, just chatting and enjoying the day. I couldn't even tell you what brought this up, but Alex told a story about how when he was in high school, his mom didn't know he was home, and he over heard her talking to all of her friends about how much trouble he had been getting into at school, and his poor grades, and the headaches she gave him, and how much he was driving her crazy. He said, “That was the first moment in my life that I realized that parents are just like everybody else and can hurt their kids by gossiping.” He was very serious, and very sad when he said it. Raquel looked at him and said, “You know, Alex, I think you might be the most honest person that I know.” His response, “Well, we are the body of Christ, we are supposed to be honest so we can support each other.”
Arizona, Fall 2010
Social media is the new buzzword in businesses. Every business simply must have a Facebook page and a Twitter account to make it in today’s world. This is very much the case at my new job. My friend in the PR department is quite a social media guru and she suggested starting a blog for the winner’s of prestigious scholarship contest our company puts on every year. The top four get to represent us at different events throughout the year. While we were brainstorming on blog ideas, she says, “I really need to get into the whole blogging thing, I just don’t think I have that much to say.” To which I quickly agreed, “That’s exactly how I am! My cousin has asked to me blog before, but I just don’t feel like I have anything to write about.”
Well, as my college roommates would say, that’s a black bear. Translation: that is very false. I have plenty to say. My life is full of ups and downs and trials and triumphs, things I don’t talk about. Somewhere along the way, I got the idea in my head that I always have to seem like I’ve got it all together. I have to have a strong face, when I feel weak inside. I have to seem to have faith that can move mountains, when I’m having serious doubts about what the heck God is doing in my life. I don’t mind sharing the triumphs, but I’ll keep it all together on the outside when I’m struggling. That’s not being honest.
I think I need my elementary school character trait certificates revoked.
So, this is it. I’m going to attempt to start sharing my life and my heart. If I might be honest for a minute, there is a good chance that for now, my cousins will be the only ones reading this. But that’s okay. I’m taking baby steps, and I feel like God wants me to grow as a person through this blog. I’m going to start sharing my life. After all, honesty is the best policy.
When I was in elementary school, the teachers at my private school picked a character trait that they thought described each child in their class each year. It was a trait they saw in the child, and they gave our parents a certificate with our name and our chosen character trait. I have four character trait certificates. Three years I received "Honesty." The fourth year I mixed it up a little: "Truthfulness."
That being said, I need to be honest for a minute. I think I have a problem with honesty. I know! I was surprised, too, when I realized it. But it's not what you think. So before you start trying to figure out what lies I may have told you, let me explain.
You know how you can look back and realize something that happened to you would teach you a lesson one day? There are several moments in my life that helped come to the realization that my elementary school certificates might be invalid...
Texas, Fall 2008
It was my first semester as a member in the Christian sorority I had pledged the previous semester. My semester as a pledge, was okay, but I wasn't sure I was connecting enough and liking it enough to stay for the Fall '08 semester. I hadn't really made friends, yet. Oh, don't worry, I wasn't sitting by myself at meetings and date parties. I had people I could chat it up with and have a few laughs. But something was missing. These were Christian girls and I had joined because I was looking for something. I think I was looking for community. But that's another story for another day. One of the member requirements is being in a small group Bible study of 10-12 girls that meet once a week, called Wil Groups. I never really felt a part of my Spring semester Wil Group, seeing as how I joined mid-year. And the new school year, meant new Wil Group assignments. I was ready to quit altogether, but I decided I'd go to my first Wil Group and feel it out. Simply put, if I liked my group, I stay in ASC for the year. If not, I'd go inactive.
Well, I missed the first week because I had something else going one, so the second week I show up. Everyone seems nice. They chatted politely and waited for the faithful leader to begin. Her name was Raquel and she was a year younger than me. She began by telling us that she really wanted honesty in the group, and that she thought the best way for us to get to know each other would be to share our testimonies. "Now, I know this seems awkward, telling your life story to a roomful of strangers.." umm yea, Raquel, it does..."But we are the Body of Christ and we are here to love and support each other." Why why why couldn't I have come to the first one and realized I didn't want to come back. It's too late to run, now. Panic shot through my entire body. I didn't want to share that I watched my own sister die when she was just 12 years old. My hurt is my business. It was hard enough living through it the first time, why do I need to talk about it? One by one the girls began to tell their stories. We laughed, we cried. I panicked. I thought about having to share, and fought the tears filling my eyes as I tried to focus on what each girl had to say. I scanned the room. About 15 girls. That's a lot of girls sharing. We don't know each other yet. Maybe the won't notice if I don't share? One by one girls volunteered to go next. Every five minutes or so I would have to take deep breaths to stop myself from crying. Why am I here. This was a dumb idea. Sorority's are for parties to meet hot frat boys. Who would want to be in a Christian sorority anyway? Dumb dumb dumb. Don't cry. The second to last girl was talking and I got myself under control. They won't remember I haven't talked! Everything is going to be fine! Why is everyone staring at me? Crap. It was my turn to share my story of the different paths in my life, and walking them with the Lord. All eyes were on me. And I was honest. "I was hoping that y'all would forget I haven't gone. I don't really like talking about certain things..." So I shared. And I cried. Before I could feel at all silly for crying, I looked up and saw a room full of girls I had just met crying with me. I looked into one girl's eyes, and saw hurt in her eyes. My hurt that she was holding in that moment. I shared, and it was beautiful. Maybe I'll come back next week...
Wednesday evenings soon became my favorite night. Those girls became some of my best friends. We had so much fun together. We also learned to much together. I genuinely can't imagine my life without them.
Costa Rica, Summer 2009
I spent the summer of '09 interning with a church in Costa Rica. My partner in crime was none other than my Wil Group leader, Raquel. It was an incredible summer filled with serving, surfing, Bible studies, coffee, lessons learned, road trips, and screaming monkeys in my backyard- among other many other things. I made some incredible friends there. Without a doubt, Alex was one of our closet friends. The three of us were besties and there was never a dull moment. Whether cracking a joke or sharing what God had done in his life that day, Alex always had something to say. One afternoon we were hanging out at Alex’s apartment, just chatting and enjoying the day. I couldn't even tell you what brought this up, but Alex told a story about how when he was in high school, his mom didn't know he was home, and he over heard her talking to all of her friends about how much trouble he had been getting into at school, and his poor grades, and the headaches she gave him, and how much he was driving her crazy. He said, “That was the first moment in my life that I realized that parents are just like everybody else and can hurt their kids by gossiping.” He was very serious, and very sad when he said it. Raquel looked at him and said, “You know, Alex, I think you might be the most honest person that I know.” His response, “Well, we are the body of Christ, we are supposed to be honest so we can support each other.”
Arizona, Fall 2010
Social media is the new buzzword in businesses. Every business simply must have a Facebook page and a Twitter account to make it in today’s world. This is very much the case at my new job. My friend in the PR department is quite a social media guru and she suggested starting a blog for the winner’s of prestigious scholarship contest our company puts on every year. The top four get to represent us at different events throughout the year. While we were brainstorming on blog ideas, she says, “I really need to get into the whole blogging thing, I just don’t think I have that much to say.” To which I quickly agreed, “That’s exactly how I am! My cousin has asked to me blog before, but I just don’t feel like I have anything to write about.”
Well, as my college roommates would say, that’s a black bear. Translation: that is very false. I have plenty to say. My life is full of ups and downs and trials and triumphs, things I don’t talk about. Somewhere along the way, I got the idea in my head that I always have to seem like I’ve got it all together. I have to have a strong face, when I feel weak inside. I have to seem to have faith that can move mountains, when I’m having serious doubts about what the heck God is doing in my life. I don’t mind sharing the triumphs, but I’ll keep it all together on the outside when I’m struggling. That’s not being honest.
I think I need my elementary school character trait certificates revoked.
So, this is it. I’m going to attempt to start sharing my life and my heart. If I might be honest for a minute, there is a good chance that for now, my cousins will be the only ones reading this. But that’s okay. I’m taking baby steps, and I feel like God wants me to grow as a person through this blog. I’m going to start sharing my life. After all, honesty is the best policy.
Comments