My grandma is dead.
The call came from my mom around noon yesterday while I was at work.
I've now known for over 38 hours, but here I sit in my apartment, awake but exhausted, crying like I just heard te sad news for the first time.
See, MawMaw hasn't been doing well for a while now. She had a heart attack in June, prompting us to rush to her hospital bedside to say our goodbyes (just in case). She recovered just enough to have pretty terrible quality of life as hospice cared for her at home. So, when my mom called me, I wasn't all too surprised. I shed a few tears, made sure I wasn't needed by any family members, then immersed myself in a marathon of the tv show Bones, a murder mystery drama. When the marathon concluded I ran to Barnes and Noble around 8:30pm and bought the book Hunger Games and again buried myself in a story bigger than myself. Several times I set the book down and tried to find the sleep I desperately needed but my mind wouldn't slow down enough to rest, so I'd pick up the book again. I had finished the (almost) four hundred page book book by 7am. I read through the entire book because sleep eluded me every time I set it aside because it made think.
Well, I'm on page two hundred of the second book in the series. I just forced myself to put down my escape so I could get some sleep. That's when it hit my.
My grandma is dead. No amount of TV marathons or book series can hide me from the truth.
Since it was expected, I wasn't overwhelmed by the news. Until now. I won't see her again, this side of heaven. Will PawPaw be okay without her? Is my mom okay with losing her mom? What about the other six kids? Has Uncle Buddy event heard the news in his secluded life in Ohio? He probably won't come to the burial. What will it be like bringing together all my aunts and uncles together? Will the death of their mom ease the hurt, anger, and bitterness between them caused by a feud that began when I was too young to understand what happened? And seriously, what about PawPaw? He is old and frail, but in good health. Will he have a reason to like without his wife of 62 years? Have MawMaw and Dinah reunited in heaven? Do we remember the familiar faces of the earth once we pass into God's glory?
And why am I just now crying? I think I know. It's reality. It's the arrival of what used to be the future.It's the moment when I realize I'm no longer anticipating her death. She's suddenly gone. Well, because of the anticipation, it is not really sudden, the reality still feels sudden. So, I lay here in my bed and cry.
This probably doesn't make any sense. My apologies. It's now 3am. Plus I didn't go to sleep last night because my book wouldn't stay on my nightstand.
The call came from my mom around noon yesterday while I was at work.
I've now known for over 38 hours, but here I sit in my apartment, awake but exhausted, crying like I just heard te sad news for the first time.
See, MawMaw hasn't been doing well for a while now. She had a heart attack in June, prompting us to rush to her hospital bedside to say our goodbyes (just in case). She recovered just enough to have pretty terrible quality of life as hospice cared for her at home. So, when my mom called me, I wasn't all too surprised. I shed a few tears, made sure I wasn't needed by any family members, then immersed myself in a marathon of the tv show Bones, a murder mystery drama. When the marathon concluded I ran to Barnes and Noble around 8:30pm and bought the book Hunger Games and again buried myself in a story bigger than myself. Several times I set the book down and tried to find the sleep I desperately needed but my mind wouldn't slow down enough to rest, so I'd pick up the book again. I had finished the (almost) four hundred page book book by 7am. I read through the entire book because sleep eluded me every time I set it aside because it made think.
Well, I'm on page two hundred of the second book in the series. I just forced myself to put down my escape so I could get some sleep. That's when it hit my.
My grandma is dead. No amount of TV marathons or book series can hide me from the truth.
Since it was expected, I wasn't overwhelmed by the news. Until now. I won't see her again, this side of heaven. Will PawPaw be okay without her? Is my mom okay with losing her mom? What about the other six kids? Has Uncle Buddy event heard the news in his secluded life in Ohio? He probably won't come to the burial. What will it be like bringing together all my aunts and uncles together? Will the death of their mom ease the hurt, anger, and bitterness between them caused by a feud that began when I was too young to understand what happened? And seriously, what about PawPaw? He is old and frail, but in good health. Will he have a reason to like without his wife of 62 years? Have MawMaw and Dinah reunited in heaven? Do we remember the familiar faces of the earth once we pass into God's glory?
And why am I just now crying? I think I know. It's reality. It's the arrival of what used to be the future.It's the moment when I realize I'm no longer anticipating her death. She's suddenly gone. Well, because of the anticipation, it is not really sudden, the reality still feels sudden. So, I lay here in my bed and cry.
This probably doesn't make any sense. My apologies. It's now 3am. Plus I didn't go to sleep last night because my book wouldn't stay on my nightstand.
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