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So Much in Need

I've had a hard time writing lately because I don't know how to put my emotions into words.  Last night the guy I'm dating asked me how I'm doing ("not in this moment, in general," he specified....how does he already know of my talent of pretending to be okay when I'm not??)  I said okay.  He said, "Okay, on a scale of one to ten?."

Four.

"Four isn't okay.  Seven is okay, but still not good.  But four is definitively not okay."

I know.  I haven't been okay in while.  It's not quite them funk of October 2011, which I am grateful for.  I've come to this point where it takes most of my peace and strength to make it through a day at work and be normal.  I save it up to walk into the office with a smile on my face and go through the day caring about people and laughing with them.   When I get home, I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to do laundry (thank God for the funk of October 2011, so now my underwear supply lasts an incredibly long time).  I don't want to cook (at this point, I probably don't even know the way around my grocery store anymore).  I don't want to do cutesy crafts around my apartment.  I don't want to read my Bible or blog.  I just want to sit and let my mind take a break by watching TV or sleeping.  I have okay moments.  Even some very happy moments (I have new guy in my life that seems to be a better escape than TV.  He makes me so very happy just by spending time with me).  But that four is still the underlying struggle in my life. 

The worst part is that  I know how to fix it.  I know I need to pick up my Bible and cry out to God for strength beyond my hours at work.  I feel paralyzed from doing so.  I could name a million reasons why.  How could God let my family be torn apart like this is has? How can my own sister be so full of venomous lies about our family.  Why does she get to go on posting Bible verses a facebook statuses like she is SO HOLY, when no one knows what she has done?  

Of course, I am not perfect.  Of course, I am far from holy.  But I am not pretending to be blameless, and it makes me sick that she is getting away with it.   

So sick, I guess I'm letting it paralyze me.

So far from where I've been.  So much in need of prayer...


Comments

Fivel said…
Oh, Hannah,

I weep for you AND with you...

I understand completely and more importantly so does the LORD. My devotional for the 15th sums it up:

For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men. Lamentations 3:33

"I tell you of very truth, I share the sorrow of your heart for those you love who walk in the darkness of this world. The pain you feel is only a minor portion of Mine, and there is no way to avoid the suffering. I know My plans for them, which you do not, but you can trust My infinite mercy and wisdom to act. In the meantime, without being frivolous and irresponsible, you can keep lifting them up to Me. Remember that "prayer availeth much."
All this will work together for good for you and for those for whom you are praying, and My glory will be seen. Nothing worthwhile comes without struggle and pain since sin entered My world. But in spite of it all, I still love My creation and My plans for it are good.
My dear child, rest in Me."

Oh, for grace to trust Him more...

I love you so much, Hannah!

Mom
January 16, 2012 at 5:49 PM
lauren nicole said…
Hannah!
I know...i KNOW. sisterly problems has been my family's plague for so long now. please dont feel like you are alone in this. i love you! i'm here whenever you need :)
January 17, 2012 at 11:54 AM
Fivel said…
Hannah,

A quote from the newspaper re: the movie "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close -

"It is not about the drama of that dark day, although drama is so attached to that event that it can't help but give a slight lift to the movie. Rather, it's about the aftermath of trauma, what people have to live with and get over, and all the things they can never get over. It deals with something important but intrinsically boring, people going through life in a low-grade fever of grief, loss, and sadness..."

Kinda describes where we are all at :(

Love you bunches and praying for all of us -

Mom
January 20, 2012 at 11:42 AM
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