This week I am posting my journal entry from September 17, 2005.
"When Dad was almost ready to leave, I walked Austen out to his car. We held each other and he started sobbing. I did too. I told him that I’d lean on him and he could lean on me. Dad, Deborah, and Judah walked out and said it was time to go. I ran in the house to get my purse. Mom told me that she couldn’t find Dinah’s “cross” ski hat to put on her. I ran all over the house looking for it; I felt like I had to find it; that if I didn’t I’d be letting someone down. I had to quit because everyone was in the car waiting for me. Dad, Sarah, Leah, Deborah, and Judah rode in one car. Bekah, Micah, and I rode in another. Bekah drove. Dad stopped by Walgreen’s to get throat lozenges and we went to Whataburger to get everyone something to eat. I just got a Sprite because I was still sick to my stomach and that helps settle it down. Dad met us there to pick up the food. In the car we listened to David Crowder Band. I just wept most of the way there.
We were going to valet park but it doesn’t open until 6:30 a.m. so Dad and Bekah dropped us off and we waited in the lobby. It was right about 6:00 a.m. Jessica, one of Dinah’s PCA’s, was coming in and saw all of us and said, “Ya’ll are here so early, is everything alright?” Everyone was kind of quiet and didn’t know how to respond so I just said, “Dinah didn’t make it.” She hugged us all. I saw Mom come around from the elevators and I pulled away and ran to her and threw my arms around her and cried. Everyone else came over and Jessica slipped away. We sat on the couches and waited until Dad, Micah, and Bekah came. Sarah told Mom that Judah said that Dinah and Jonathan were probably in Heaven eating watermelon right now - he loved it but said he wouldn’t eat any until Dinah could - she couldn’t because of transplant). I showed Mom the butterfly ring and told her how I’d been waiting until Dinah woke up to bring it to her. Mom said I could still give it to her. We saw Dinah’s nurses, Jenny and Maritza (her bone marrow transplant nurse). Maritza just hugged us and said if we needed anything she’d be on the ninth floor. I asked her if she had any Tylenol. Jenny said she did upstairs; I said I’d be up later. Mom said she couldn’t have asked for a better bone marrow nurse. She said she remembered Maritza squeezing the bag of marrow to make sure every last drop got to Dinah.
We went up the elevators to the seventh floor. Everyone walked into Dinah’s room, but I hung back for a few seconds to prepare myself. Mom came and hugged me, then we walked in. There she was - laying in her bed, free from all tubes and pick lines. Free from her ventilator and feeding tube. Free from about seven lines; free from dialysis and wires that monitored everything. Bekah said, “She looks beautiful.” And she did. She looked like she finally wasn’t in any pain. She was finally at peace. She still had sores all over; she was bloated because she retained so much fluid this past week; above her lip was red from the tape that held on her ventilator; her eyelids were purple but they weren’t swollen like they were on Thursday, and she was a yellowish, brownish tint. But she was beautiful. I think her eyes meant the most to me. Everyone was pretty quiet at first. I just put my head on the foot of her bed and wept. I said over and over, “Oh God, oh God.” Then everyone else started bawling too. Dad rubbed Dinah’s arm and her face. He said, she really wouldn’t have liked that. Someone imitated Dinah and said, “Umm, I’m not trying to be rude, but could you please stop.” We all half smiled.
Everyone was taking it in their own way. I went over and hugged Micah and told him that he helped Dinah live a few months longer. We went to the waiting room and everyone got to go in the room one by one to say goodbye. I just whispered how much I loved her and would miss her. I put the butterfly ring on her finger. I told her I’d never let people forget her. I can’t even remember what all I said. I kissed the top of her hat, said goodbye again, and walked out.
When I walked back to the waiting area, Jenny and Monica (nurses) were talking with Mom and the kids. Jenny had brought her Advil down for me and Sarah. I asked if they had any contact solution because my contacts were blurry from crying so much. They said the could give me some saline to clean them with. Leah and I went to the bathroom to wash our contacts out and it helped a lot. While we were in Dinah’s room, Jenny came in and just encouraged us all in the Lord. In a little bit, some of the kids and I went to the ninth floor to get some white sacks for Mom to pack her stuff in. There were hugs all around. Nimmi was there. She just got back from a trip to India. Ponamma and some of the other nurses came and hugged us as well. Nadia, Dinah’s favorite cleaning lady came up to us and was just crying and crying. She loved Dinah dearly. While on the ninth floor I saw the “Edna” doctor (Dinah had this one specialist come once when I was staying with her and she looked exactly like Edna from the movie, “The Incredibles”. Dinah and I thought it at the same time.)
We headed back to Dinah’s room, but Leah still needed to say goodbye. Mom was in the empty room (28, Dinah was in 30) by the window leaving a message for Ms. Lisa (Graden’s mom). I sat on the window sill and talked to her for a few minutes. I told her that everyone was telling stories, especially random stuff - things just to fill the space - and it was really bothering me and it was hard for me to be around it. She said that it was o.k. for me to deal with it differently. She said, "You aren't PMSing are you??" Unfortunately, I am. Sarah, Deborah, Judah and Micah came in the room we were in. Dr. King (one of Dinah’s ICU doctors) walked in. I walked over by them so I wouldn’t have to be around everyone else. Dr. King told Mom how sorry she was. Mom said that it was o.k.; that Dinah was tired and she was ready. She told her what happened. Then everyone followed me and came and stood there too."
More tomorrow...
To start from the beginning, first read:
and
"When Dad was almost ready to leave, I walked Austen out to his car. We held each other and he started sobbing. I did too. I told him that I’d lean on him and he could lean on me. Dad, Deborah, and Judah walked out and said it was time to go. I ran in the house to get my purse. Mom told me that she couldn’t find Dinah’s “cross” ski hat to put on her. I ran all over the house looking for it; I felt like I had to find it; that if I didn’t I’d be letting someone down. I had to quit because everyone was in the car waiting for me. Dad, Sarah, Leah, Deborah, and Judah rode in one car. Bekah, Micah, and I rode in another. Bekah drove. Dad stopped by Walgreen’s to get throat lozenges and we went to Whataburger to get everyone something to eat. I just got a Sprite because I was still sick to my stomach and that helps settle it down. Dad met us there to pick up the food. In the car we listened to David Crowder Band. I just wept most of the way there.
We were going to valet park but it doesn’t open until 6:30 a.m. so Dad and Bekah dropped us off and we waited in the lobby. It was right about 6:00 a.m. Jessica, one of Dinah’s PCA’s, was coming in and saw all of us and said, “Ya’ll are here so early, is everything alright?” Everyone was kind of quiet and didn’t know how to respond so I just said, “Dinah didn’t make it.” She hugged us all. I saw Mom come around from the elevators and I pulled away and ran to her and threw my arms around her and cried. Everyone else came over and Jessica slipped away. We sat on the couches and waited until Dad, Micah, and Bekah came. Sarah told Mom that Judah said that Dinah and Jonathan were probably in Heaven eating watermelon right now - he loved it but said he wouldn’t eat any until Dinah could - she couldn’t because of transplant). I showed Mom the butterfly ring and told her how I’d been waiting until Dinah woke up to bring it to her. Mom said I could still give it to her. We saw Dinah’s nurses, Jenny and Maritza (her bone marrow transplant nurse). Maritza just hugged us and said if we needed anything she’d be on the ninth floor. I asked her if she had any Tylenol. Jenny said she did upstairs; I said I’d be up later. Mom said she couldn’t have asked for a better bone marrow nurse. She said she remembered Maritza squeezing the bag of marrow to make sure every last drop got to Dinah.
We went up the elevators to the seventh floor. Everyone walked into Dinah’s room, but I hung back for a few seconds to prepare myself. Mom came and hugged me, then we walked in. There she was - laying in her bed, free from all tubes and pick lines. Free from her ventilator and feeding tube. Free from about seven lines; free from dialysis and wires that monitored everything. Bekah said, “She looks beautiful.” And she did. She looked like she finally wasn’t in any pain. She was finally at peace. She still had sores all over; she was bloated because she retained so much fluid this past week; above her lip was red from the tape that held on her ventilator; her eyelids were purple but they weren’t swollen like they were on Thursday, and she was a yellowish, brownish tint. But she was beautiful. I think her eyes meant the most to me. Everyone was pretty quiet at first. I just put my head on the foot of her bed and wept. I said over and over, “Oh God, oh God.” Then everyone else started bawling too. Dad rubbed Dinah’s arm and her face. He said, she really wouldn’t have liked that. Someone imitated Dinah and said, “Umm, I’m not trying to be rude, but could you please stop.” We all half smiled.
Everyone was taking it in their own way. I went over and hugged Micah and told him that he helped Dinah live a few months longer. We went to the waiting room and everyone got to go in the room one by one to say goodbye. I just whispered how much I loved her and would miss her. I put the butterfly ring on her finger. I told her I’d never let people forget her. I can’t even remember what all I said. I kissed the top of her hat, said goodbye again, and walked out.
When I walked back to the waiting area, Jenny and Monica (nurses) were talking with Mom and the kids. Jenny had brought her Advil down for me and Sarah. I asked if they had any contact solution because my contacts were blurry from crying so much. They said the could give me some saline to clean them with. Leah and I went to the bathroom to wash our contacts out and it helped a lot. While we were in Dinah’s room, Jenny came in and just encouraged us all in the Lord. In a little bit, some of the kids and I went to the ninth floor to get some white sacks for Mom to pack her stuff in. There were hugs all around. Nimmi was there. She just got back from a trip to India. Ponamma and some of the other nurses came and hugged us as well. Nadia, Dinah’s favorite cleaning lady came up to us and was just crying and crying. She loved Dinah dearly. While on the ninth floor I saw the “Edna” doctor (Dinah had this one specialist come once when I was staying with her and she looked exactly like Edna from the movie, “The Incredibles”. Dinah and I thought it at the same time.)
We headed back to Dinah’s room, but Leah still needed to say goodbye. Mom was in the empty room (28, Dinah was in 30) by the window leaving a message for Ms. Lisa (Graden’s mom). I sat on the window sill and talked to her for a few minutes. I told her that everyone was telling stories, especially random stuff - things just to fill the space - and it was really bothering me and it was hard for me to be around it. She said that it was o.k. for me to deal with it differently. She said, "You aren't PMSing are you??" Unfortunately, I am. Sarah, Deborah, Judah and Micah came in the room we were in. Dr. King (one of Dinah’s ICU doctors) walked in. I walked over by them so I wouldn’t have to be around everyone else. Dr. King told Mom how sorry she was. Mom said that it was o.k.; that Dinah was tired and she was ready. She told her what happened. Then everyone followed me and came and stood there too."
More tomorrow...
Comments
I'm like you, the week before is just SO hard... As I read your journal, I just wept and wept; I miss her so much BUT I know she is safe and happy and free, and that gives me hope...
With a heavy sigh -
Mom