This week I am posting my journal entry from September 17, 2005.
"I asked Dad if Austen could come over. He asked if Austen was awake. I said he would be and would be over in two seconds if I called him. He said that was fine. Austen’s phone was off. I called his house and his dad woke up and answered. I asked if I could talk to Austen. He couldn’t hear me and I thought it might be Austen, so I said his name and his dad got angry and said, “Who is this?” I (still crying) said, “Mr. Bailey, it’s Hannah. I’m sorry to call so late but Austen’s phone was off.” He asked if everything was o.k. and I told him Dinah didn’t make it. He just said, “Oh gosh. I’m sorry. Let me get him.” He answered and I said, “Austen…?” and he said, “Yea, Baby, what’s wrong?” I just sobbed and said, “Dinah didn’t make it.” He said, “No, no, no, no,” quietly. I asked him if he could come be with me. He said he’d talk to his parents and call me back. I walked outside and was sitting in the open garage to call him. Mr. Serret was outside in his garage and he walked over from across the street and asked if everything was o.k. I told him that Dinah died about an hour before. He sobbed and said, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” and gave me a hug and said he’d be praying for us, then left.
I walked back in the house and talked/cried with Dad. He said that Dinah got an extra year with us, that she wasn’t supposed to live through her first night in the hospital. He said we’d be leaving for the hospital around 5:30 or 6:00 p.m. (it was about 4:30ish) to go say goodbye to Dinah before they took her away. Someone knocked at the door and Dad said it was probably Bekah (Jon was driving her home from College Station). It was Austen. Dad gave him a hug and told him I was in the office. He came and hugged me and held me. We went and sat on the couch. I just leaned on him and cried and told him what all Mom said. I could tell he was trying not to cry and I said that it was o.k. for him to cry. He said there would be time for him to cry later. I told him not to be strong for me, just be sad and cry with me. Sarah and Leah came and sat with us eventually. I don’t even know what all we said. Michael Smith (youth pastor) called me and said he’d be there for us - whether we needed him to go to the hospital or if we wanted him to come over later.
Dad woke up Micah and told him. He just got in the shower and got ready to go, but I could tell he was crying. Dad went to wake up Deborah and Judah to tell them. From downstairs we could hear Deborah wailing. I told Austen I needed to be with them so Leah, Sarah, and I went upstairs to Deborah’s room. Judah was sitting in Dad’s lap crying and Deborah was right next to him. Deborah wailed, “What is even the point of living in a world without your little sister!” I could tell it upset Dad and I told her not to say things like that. I sat on the bed and held Deborah. We all went downstairs. While Dad was showering, Judah sat curled up in my lap and cried. I asked Austen to check on Micah because he wasn’t really talking to anyone. Bekah got home. I went to change to go to the hospital. Everyone was sitting around in the dining room and eventually they started reminiscing and laughing some. I went upstairs to finish getting ready because I couldn’t take it. I fell on my bed and sobbed and wept and punched my mattress a few times. The home phone rang and it was Mom. She asked for Dad but I said he was in the shower. She asked what everyone was doing and I told her they were remembering and laughing, so I went upstairs because I wasn’t ready to laugh. I needed time to be sad. She asked if I talked to Austen and I said he was here and she said good. I asked her what exactly did Dinah die from. She said she was just tired and her heart gave out. I pulled my hair back and put on some makeup. When I was putting my heart necklace on, I saw Dinah’s ring. Austen and I gave it to her on her birthday. It was silver with two butterflys that shimmered; one pink and one white. Dinah asked me a couple of weeks ago to bring it to her at the hospital. She kept asking but I couldn’t find it because it had been put with all the massive amount of her stuff from hospital stays. I found it right after she went down to ICU and was intubated and sedated. I was waiting until she woke up to bring it to her. I put it on my finger then went downstairs. I asked Austen to come in the kitchen with me. I just told him I wasn’t ready to laugh and I couldn’t be around that right now. He said that the older kids were trying to make it easier for Judah and Deborah."
More tomorrow...
But to start at the beginning, read:
"I asked Dad if Austen could come over. He asked if Austen was awake. I said he would be and would be over in two seconds if I called him. He said that was fine. Austen’s phone was off. I called his house and his dad woke up and answered. I asked if I could talk to Austen. He couldn’t hear me and I thought it might be Austen, so I said his name and his dad got angry and said, “Who is this?” I (still crying) said, “Mr. Bailey, it’s Hannah. I’m sorry to call so late but Austen’s phone was off.” He asked if everything was o.k. and I told him Dinah didn’t make it. He just said, “Oh gosh. I’m sorry. Let me get him.” He answered and I said, “Austen…?” and he said, “Yea, Baby, what’s wrong?” I just sobbed and said, “Dinah didn’t make it.” He said, “No, no, no, no,” quietly. I asked him if he could come be with me. He said he’d talk to his parents and call me back. I walked outside and was sitting in the open garage to call him. Mr. Serret was outside in his garage and he walked over from across the street and asked if everything was o.k. I told him that Dinah died about an hour before. He sobbed and said, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” and gave me a hug and said he’d be praying for us, then left.
I walked back in the house and talked/cried with Dad. He said that Dinah got an extra year with us, that she wasn’t supposed to live through her first night in the hospital. He said we’d be leaving for the hospital around 5:30 or 6:00 p.m. (it was about 4:30ish) to go say goodbye to Dinah before they took her away. Someone knocked at the door and Dad said it was probably Bekah (Jon was driving her home from College Station). It was Austen. Dad gave him a hug and told him I was in the office. He came and hugged me and held me. We went and sat on the couch. I just leaned on him and cried and told him what all Mom said. I could tell he was trying not to cry and I said that it was o.k. for him to cry. He said there would be time for him to cry later. I told him not to be strong for me, just be sad and cry with me. Sarah and Leah came and sat with us eventually. I don’t even know what all we said. Michael Smith (youth pastor) called me and said he’d be there for us - whether we needed him to go to the hospital or if we wanted him to come over later.
Dad woke up Micah and told him. He just got in the shower and got ready to go, but I could tell he was crying. Dad went to wake up Deborah and Judah to tell them. From downstairs we could hear Deborah wailing. I told Austen I needed to be with them so Leah, Sarah, and I went upstairs to Deborah’s room. Judah was sitting in Dad’s lap crying and Deborah was right next to him. Deborah wailed, “What is even the point of living in a world without your little sister!” I could tell it upset Dad and I told her not to say things like that. I sat on the bed and held Deborah. We all went downstairs. While Dad was showering, Judah sat curled up in my lap and cried. I asked Austen to check on Micah because he wasn’t really talking to anyone. Bekah got home. I went to change to go to the hospital. Everyone was sitting around in the dining room and eventually they started reminiscing and laughing some. I went upstairs to finish getting ready because I couldn’t take it. I fell on my bed and sobbed and wept and punched my mattress a few times. The home phone rang and it was Mom. She asked for Dad but I said he was in the shower. She asked what everyone was doing and I told her they were remembering and laughing, so I went upstairs because I wasn’t ready to laugh. I needed time to be sad. She asked if I talked to Austen and I said he was here and she said good. I asked her what exactly did Dinah die from. She said she was just tired and her heart gave out. I pulled my hair back and put on some makeup. When I was putting my heart necklace on, I saw Dinah’s ring. Austen and I gave it to her on her birthday. It was silver with two butterflys that shimmered; one pink and one white. Dinah asked me a couple of weeks ago to bring it to her at the hospital. She kept asking but I couldn’t find it because it had been put with all the massive amount of her stuff from hospital stays. I found it right after she went down to ICU and was intubated and sedated. I was waiting until she woke up to bring it to her. I put it on my finger then went downstairs. I asked Austen to come in the kitchen with me. I just told him I wasn’t ready to laugh and I couldn’t be around that right now. He said that the older kids were trying to make it easier for Judah and Deborah."
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| After I had my own visit to the hospital, we had *twinkie* hospital bracelets |
More tomorrow...
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