I have explained before how it feels to have lost a sister.
How the feelings of being in a perpetual state of grief are gone. How most days are okay. But it's at random moments that something will remind me of Dinah's death. In that moment, it feels like it's hitting me for the first time. For a split second everything within me is paralyzed. I can't move, I can't breathe. I think my heart literally misses a beat with that sickening reality that she isn't coming back. And all of this hits me at once and I just stuff it inside, usually until I go sleep so I can cry and not bother anyone. But the week before her birthday or anniversary, instead of random split seconds that pass, I feel that way constantly. Like I'm waiting to breathe again and for my heart to start beating but it doesn't.
A while ago, my mom found my journal where I had written about the hours following the death of my precious sister. She typed it up and asked my permission to share it on Dinah's website.
With September the 17th less than a week away, I remembered about the journal entry and read it. So now I sit here bawling at 3AM.
I hate people that use the tragedy in their life for attention. I promise, this is not what that is. It's simply that it breaks my heart that the more years that pass, the more her life fades. There are so many people in my life that don't even know about Dinah. There is a gaping hole of who I am, and people don't even know that a piece of myself is missing. She's gone, but I don't ever want her to be forgotten. So, here is my story, written through tears and between sobs in the hours after my youngest sister went on to be with the Lord. (Note: I started writing several hours after it happened, then finished writing about the second half of the day several days later). It is long, so I am going to post sections over several days.
“Friday, September 16, 2005 (the night before Dinah died) , I spent the night with Maria Gaston because we were going to visit Baylor University Saturday and leave at 5:30 a.m. Around 3:00 a.m. my phone rang and I looked and it said MD Anderson ICU. I knew something was terribly wrong for Mom to call at this time. Mom said, “I just want to let you know, Dinah’s gone to be with Jesus.” I could not believe it. I yelled, “No! No!” Mom said yes, that Dinah was tired. She said the nurse woke her up because her monitor was going off and that she was going to call the doctor. Then she said it looked better. Mom went over to Dinah and whispered to her, “Dinah, you have been so strong and if you are tired of fighting and you are holding on for us, it’s o.k. You can go, we will be o.k.” Then she kissed her and told her she loved her and how proud she was of her. I just started sobbing. I told Mom I wasn’t going to Baylor. She said she knew and that Dad talked to Mrs. Gaston and she would bring me home. Maria woke up and climbed on the bed with me and put her arm around me and just sat with me until I got off the phone; I then told her what was wrong. She just sobbed and said she was so sorry. I honestly couldn’t tell you what she said to me; I just know it was good. Her mom came in and hugged me. Maria’s dad died when she was younger, so they knew how I felt. Mrs. Gaston said she would take me home now if that’s what I wanted. I said I did. I got my stuff together and we left.
In the car I called Mr. Heafner. Cissy answered and she asked if I was o.k. I just sobbed and said, “Dinah didn’t make it.” She said she was so sorry then she woke up Mr. Heafner. He talked to me for a few minutes and then prayed for me.
Leah was spending the night with Stephanie Hamblin and Mrs. Gaston told Dad that she would pick her up on our way home. When we got there, Mrs. Hamblin and Stephanie walked outside. Mrs. Gaston got out and they said something to her. I was just in the car crying. Mrs. Gaston came over and said that Leah didn’t know yet. She asked if I wanted to tell her or if I wanted to wait until we got home and let Dad. I knew I needed to tell her. Leah was still up with some other girls that had spent the night as well. I walked in the room and said, “Leah, I need to talk to you.” I was still crying and she just got a look of terror on her face and said, “Is it Dinah?” I nodded and said, “She went to be with Jesus.” Leah just threw her arms around me and cried. It was a desperate, hysterical cry. I just held her and we stood there and cried.
We cried the whole car ride home. Dad answered the door and just hugged us. Sarah joined the hug too. I had to pull away from them and run to the bathroom to throw up. I was so sick to my stomach. It hurt so bad and it was in knots. I just sobbed."
More tomorrow...
How the feelings of being in a perpetual state of grief are gone. How most days are okay. But it's at random moments that something will remind me of Dinah's death. In that moment, it feels like it's hitting me for the first time. For a split second everything within me is paralyzed. I can't move, I can't breathe. I think my heart literally misses a beat with that sickening reality that she isn't coming back. And all of this hits me at once and I just stuff it inside, usually until I go sleep so I can cry and not bother anyone. But the week before her birthday or anniversary, instead of random split seconds that pass, I feel that way constantly. Like I'm waiting to breathe again and for my heart to start beating but it doesn't.
A while ago, my mom found my journal where I had written about the hours following the death of my precious sister. She typed it up and asked my permission to share it on Dinah's website.
With September the 17th less than a week away, I remembered about the journal entry and read it. So now I sit here bawling at 3AM.
I hate people that use the tragedy in their life for attention. I promise, this is not what that is. It's simply that it breaks my heart that the more years that pass, the more her life fades. There are so many people in my life that don't even know about Dinah. There is a gaping hole of who I am, and people don't even know that a piece of myself is missing. She's gone, but I don't ever want her to be forgotten. So, here is my story, written through tears and between sobs in the hours after my youngest sister went on to be with the Lord. (Note: I started writing several hours after it happened, then finished writing about the second half of the day several days later). It is long, so I am going to post sections over several days.
“Friday, September 16, 2005 (the night before Dinah died) , I spent the night with Maria Gaston because we were going to visit Baylor University Saturday and leave at 5:30 a.m. Around 3:00 a.m. my phone rang and I looked and it said MD Anderson ICU. I knew something was terribly wrong for Mom to call at this time. Mom said, “I just want to let you know, Dinah’s gone to be with Jesus.” I could not believe it. I yelled, “No! No!” Mom said yes, that Dinah was tired. She said the nurse woke her up because her monitor was going off and that she was going to call the doctor. Then she said it looked better. Mom went over to Dinah and whispered to her, “Dinah, you have been so strong and if you are tired of fighting and you are holding on for us, it’s o.k. You can go, we will be o.k.” Then she kissed her and told her she loved her and how proud she was of her. I just started sobbing. I told Mom I wasn’t going to Baylor. She said she knew and that Dad talked to Mrs. Gaston and she would bring me home. Maria woke up and climbed on the bed with me and put her arm around me and just sat with me until I got off the phone; I then told her what was wrong. She just sobbed and said she was so sorry. I honestly couldn’t tell you what she said to me; I just know it was good. Her mom came in and hugged me. Maria’s dad died when she was younger, so they knew how I felt. Mrs. Gaston said she would take me home now if that’s what I wanted. I said I did. I got my stuff together and we left.
In the car I called Mr. Heafner. Cissy answered and she asked if I was o.k. I just sobbed and said, “Dinah didn’t make it.” She said she was so sorry then she woke up Mr. Heafner. He talked to me for a few minutes and then prayed for me.
Leah was spending the night with Stephanie Hamblin and Mrs. Gaston told Dad that she would pick her up on our way home. When we got there, Mrs. Hamblin and Stephanie walked outside. Mrs. Gaston got out and they said something to her. I was just in the car crying. Mrs. Gaston came over and said that Leah didn’t know yet. She asked if I wanted to tell her or if I wanted to wait until we got home and let Dad. I knew I needed to tell her. Leah was still up with some other girls that had spent the night as well. I walked in the room and said, “Leah, I need to talk to you.” I was still crying and she just got a look of terror on her face and said, “Is it Dinah?” I nodded and said, “She went to be with Jesus.” Leah just threw her arms around me and cried. It was a desperate, hysterical cry. I just held her and we stood there and cried.
We cried the whole car ride home. Dad answered the door and just hugged us. Sarah joined the hug too. I had to pull away from them and run to the bathroom to throw up. I was so sick to my stomach. It hurt so bad and it was in knots. I just sobbed."
More tomorrow...
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